There is no way to explain the tears and snot in this picture without sounding like a truly despicable person. And also revealing that I am somewhat insane, at least some of the time. I can only beg you, my 9 readers, to remember that you love me and that I have redeeming qualities. But, as you read my tale of woe you may forget that for a while and judge me harshly. I deserve it.
First, you must understand that I had moderately stressful travel, including a plane change due to maintenance issues, during my first weekend home. So, the second week I opted NOT to accept a plane ticket home. Instead, this country mouse was going to head to the city. New York City (said in the voice of the actor from the Pace Picante commercial from 1994). The plan: take an Amtrak train to New York, cab it to Times Square, get tickets for a Broadway matinee, have early dinner somewhere non-touristy, and then take Amtrak back to the hotel.
But, on Tuesday, May 12, one of Amtrak's northeast regional trains derailed outside of Philadelphia, killing 8 and injuring 200. To be clear, I was not aware of this the night it happened because I am not watching the local news, some nights I don't even turn on the tv in my room; but as the week progressed and it made national headlines, I finally realized what had happened.
As a human being, I felt awful about the tragedy. I wondered what the hell happened with the engineer (video analysis by CNN & NY Times indicated that when rounding the fatal curve, the train sped up significantly instead of slowing down). But I didn't immediately realize that it would affect me personally.*
Cut to later in the week when I discovered, via a coworker who had already purchased an Amtrak ticket for the weekend, and was therefore following the news more closely than I was, that the train., my train, was not going to be up and running for the New York route by Saturday.
Perhaps you've already done the math that the tear and snot picture is related to my aborted weekend plans. To fully explain --although not justify -- myself, I must pause here to make a note about my husband. My sweet, loving, amazing husband.
My husband is so in love with "surprises" that he has almost lost the ability to surprise me because he's so darn consistent with his "surprises." He buys me thoughtful gifts every birthday, Christmas, mother's day, anniversary, and for all other Hallmark Holidays. I may not know what the gift is but I can 100% count on the fact that he has bought me something thoughtful. This is a man who, if he has a day off work and I don't, will "surprise" me with a romantic lunch at my (prior) office. If I mention in passing that I want something, say a miracle callous grinder, as seen on tv, I will get a "surprise" delivery from Amazon 48 hours later .Or, for instance, I really really loved my New Year's eve dress and raved about how well it fit and how comfortable it was for dancing and how pretty I felt wearing it. My darling husband surprised me by buying me two more versions of that dress (different prints and slightly different cuts but same basic pattern) even though there were no immediate events requiring new dresses.
So in the wake of the Amtrak news, I began to comfort myself about my ruined weekend plans by imagining that Jeff was going to "surprise" me by flying up to see me And he and I would either go to Philadelphia or figure out an alternate route to NY. Ie, take Septa, the local public transportation. Not as fast as Amtrak; but hey, no problem, because I'll have my husband with me to keep me company. We'll be on a grand adventure. Together.
We had actually discussed his coming up but had agreed it was not practical, especially since we have tickets already purchased for a Broadway musical next month for my birthday. Trying to be reasonable, I said, "oh don't worry about it. I understand we've spent a lot of money lately; plus it makes for a long trip for you, etc etc."
Later in the week, after we'd already had the initial discussion, he made a point of saying, "Well I definitely can't come up this weekend because I have an MRI appointment Saturday morning." I am embarrassed to report that I thought he was lying about the MRI in order to surprise me. What MRI place is open on a Saturday? I thought to myself, "This poor sweet man is just laying it on thick so I'll be surprised." I actually made a note to self to never tell him how see-through his "Saturday MRI" "lie" had been because I didn't want to ruin his fun.
Cut to Thursday. All day I felt really homesick. Like a little kid who wants to be picked up early from her first sleep-over. I felt really emotional. I felt really resentful that I had given up my flight home and that my consolation trip to NY was no longer easily attainable. And I started having my first inkling of doubt that perhaps Jeff was NOT coming to surprise me. And wouldn't that be awful.
I would be all alone in the suburbs of Pennsylvania, with no car, no convenient way to NY, no husband, no son. No nothing.
That night on the phone, Jeff kept trying to encourage me by pointing out the silver linings-that I could still go find adventure; that at least I wasn't dealing with non-direct flights. That I'd be better rested for Monday than I had been the week before. Etcetera.
And it was while he was talking that I realized that he would not keep a white lie going in light of my teariness, because it would be cruel not to comfort me with the announcement that he was coming, if he was in fact coming. Which could only mean that he was not coming. Gulp.
I sort of whimper, "Does this mean you're not flying up to surprise me this weekend?"
Awkward silence.
You could actually hear his brain clicking, trying at warp speed to come up with the exact words to tell his insane wife, who had NO real reason to expect his arrival, including his verbal announcement that he was not coming, that he was not coming.
He finally opted to just rip the bandaid off and said, "Oh sweetie; I'm sorry you thought that. I'm not coming. Baby, you know I have the MRI Saturday."By now I'm crying noisily into the phone. And he kept saying, "i'm sorry you did this to yourself." I think he was saying that to remind us both that he's not an awful person and hadn't done a thing to earn those tears. But as a bona fide crazy person, THAT actually made me mad. because it felt like he was blaming me(!) for assuming he was coming when he was the one who's been "surprising" my a** nonstop for 8+ years. clearly it is his fault that i expected a "surprise" visit. How dare he surprise me for years with surprises I don't even need and NOW WHEN IM HOMESICK AND I NEED TO BE RESCUED he doesn't even bother to surprise me. Just because it would cost more than $500 and he had outright SAID he wasn't coming, and I HAD ASSURED HIM THAT I TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD AND HE SHOULD 100% BE PRACTICAL AND NOT COME UP, is no excuse!
i didnt say all that out loud but those were my crazy thoughts, tumbling about my head like socks in a dryer. basically I just sobbed and hiccuped. meanwhile my poor husband is trying to calm me down. I finally say, somewhat hatefully, because i'm experiencing irrational anger that he's done this to me, that I need to hang up and have some time to process my feelings .
So I hung up. I immediately sent him a text saying that I realized I was being irrational and that I loved him but that I just needed to take a sleeping pill and go to bed.
Which is what I did.
But not before taking a picture of myself to commemorate my insanity because even in the throes of my nuttiness, I was aware that I was being a crazy person, and that I would probably laugh about it later.
Epilogue.
Alternate Title: "Surprise!"
The next morning, I realized that according to my birth control pill pack, i was Totally 100%
pre-menstrual. And not even 24 hours later the proof arrived.
Historically I have about 6-20 hours of emotional instability about 24-48 hours prior to my cycle starting. Usually the realization that I'm having completely irrational/insane feelings that are not appropriate to the situation at hand is enough to remind me where I am on the calendar, which in turn helps me to regulate whatever emotional turmoil i'm experiencing because I know that it's basically an alternate reality.
Sadly for Jeff and me, May's calendar epiphany didn't happen in time to prevent or even minimize the most insane episode I've treated us to so far in 2015.
*I 100% acknowledge that my "pain" is inconsequential compared to that of the real victims and their families. I'm sharing this story to make fun of myself; with no intention of minimizing their loss.
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