Thursday Night. Week 3.

Iron Abbey Gastro Pub. 

Thursday night all of us including the trainers went to a local gastro pub and had our farewell dinner. The stern trainer, who has been progressively warmer as weeks 2 and 3 progressed was the one who invited us and picked the place. TexasRose, who was driving NotLulu, PurseInvader and OtherTexan, showed up mysteriously late, like at least 30 plus minutes after the rest of us arrived even though we all left work at the same time.

While we waited on her carload to arrive, the rest of us ordered drinks, including SternTrainer, who proceeded to drink multiple fancy beers. In related news, she became chatty and fun and not stern at all. We talked about non -work stuff like being a vegetarian and doing yoga (her); and travel and dancing (me).  At some point, everyone pulled out their phones and showed pet pictures and family pictures; so it was nice to see a glimpse of everyone's real life. Or at least the "real" life as depicted in the photos we don't delete. Am happy to report that in one of the few mini work conversations we had, SternTrainer told me in an aside that I was doing great  and that I was one of the "strongest ones." I don't think she would have told me that had the alcohol not been flowing. So cheers! Bottoms up!

When the 2nd half of our group finally arrived TexasRose said they'd gotten lost. But it was not lost on me that she was wearing an outfit different than what she wore to work. Whatever. My glass of white sangria coupled with my happiness that it was the last night before homecoming me not mind (much) that my dinner order had been delayed so she could debut yet another jumpsuit.

Immediately after arriving, well immediately after ordering a double Crown&Coke, TexasRose proceeded to hold court, telling us multiple off color jokes. This was with encouragement from everyone including SternTrainer. I normally hate prepared jokes,  but i have to say she was amazing in the tellings. Her Texas accent makes everything funnier; and she commits to the characterizations and the details. And her timing was impeccable.

The one I remember: Three southern belles are sitting on a porch; and the first one says that for her anniversary, her husband had bought her that Cadillac sitting in the front yard. And the other women said, "myyyy, myyy, myyy." and then the 2nd woman said that for her anniversary,  her husband gave her the huge sparkly ring on her finger. The other women said, "myyy, myyyy, myyyy." So the third woman said, "for her first anniversary, her husband sent her to finishing school. The other ladies said, "well goodness, whatever for?" And the third lady said, "so i could learn to say 'myy, myyy, myyy instead of Fuuck Yoou.'" That was the cleanest one she told. But I have to say, she was a hoot; and I 100% believe her when she says she made more as a bartender back in the day than she does as an underwriter. She is wasting her gifts working remotely from her house with no human contact.

After dinner, I went home and crammed all my dirty clothes in my suitcase, and went to sleep more excited than a kid the night before Christmas. One more sleep until I see my family.

white sangria, ftw. 

We are Turning On Each Other

I'm awful at math; and have no sense of spatial relationships so I cant tell you the exact dimensions of the room we're training it. But basically, it's the equivalent of a living room in a modest home. We're each sitting at our own table (only 2 people are doubled up) but the tables are so close you can pass stuff to each other without getting up.

Trust me. It's cozy.

So the first week, no one talks -esp after NorthDakota and PopPops got "released" from Underwriter Survivor Island. Then, I think  during week 2 people got  a little too comfortable, what with going out at night and then FeistySue and TexasRose laughing and being loud about TexasRose's "spirits" consumption the following day; which became a long-running joke. And as we've interacted each day, all serving as each other's captive audience,  we've built rapport and developed a lot of "insider" jokes, and generally have gotten along and made the most of our forced time together.

But I think week three is the end of the line.

Or maybe that's just my personal limit for forced togetherness in a small space with strangers.  Maybe every one else loves it and plans to visit each other cross country and have slumber parties.

Times I almost got Country this week:

1. When I tried to whisper something quietly to FeistySue-she of PerpetuallyLoudVolume- in the tiny classroom and she basically yells her response to me, and I said to her in a very quiet voice, "Why are you yelling when I'm clearly trying to  talk softly with you?" And she yelled, so that now the entire class is pretty much forced to pay attention to us, "THIS IS MY VOICE; THIS HAS BEEN MY VOICE SINCE I WAS A CHILD; I CANNOT WHISPER. EVEN MY SISTER WOULD SAY TO ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE, 'WHY YOU VOICE LIKE THAT?'" To which I reply, in a very quiet, icy, cold, now-pissed-off voice, "It's not your voice I'm objecting to, it's your volume." (She just walked out of the room pseudo-yelling about how this is just her voice and she guesses she just can't keep a secret. Despite my earnest prayers, she did not drop dead in front of us.)

2. *This didn't happen at work but shi*got real during my lunch break that same day. I walked to our hotel next door to our job to use the "business center" in the lobby. The business center is a single computer on the equivalent of dial-up speed. To explain the timing of  what I'm about to share, you must understand that when I got to the business center, the computer was available but I had to wait at the front desk for a moment for an employee to be available because I had a question. Then when employee was finally available, I asked  if there was a printer attached; and if there was a charge to print. Then, the employee said the printer ink was low; that she'd come shake the ink thingy because "sometimes that helped." Which she proceeded to do. Then after all that I sat down at the computer to work. Someone had left a screen open so I actually went and peeked in outer lobby/front door area to see if anyone had just stepped away to make a call or whatever. Nope. So i closed the screens, and began printing the stuff I needed. Several minutes after that,  this generic-juicy-coutoure-wearing biznatch approaches me and says without even a hint of warmth or pleading or manners, "I need to get on and close out of the site i was on." she was very aggressive and entitled and bitchy; her tone was that of the owner of a computer talking to someone who was borrowing her personal computer. So without even looking up, because two can play at the bitchy entitled game and i actually was entitled to be on the computer at that moment, I said, "i exed out of the pages that were open," so then she said, again with an attitude, "well i need to get on and log out of that website." and I said "well i should be done in about five to seven minutes." she said, "well i was on it," which I didn't even dignify with a direct response since we both knew she'd been gone way past the time in which she could pretend it was still her turn. i just repeated myself, without looking up, "well i'll be done in 5 to 7 minutes." she lost her mind and did this elaborate slamming around of the papers she was holding, stomping, sighing, huffing and puffing. naturally, i was thrilled.  the stupid thing is that if she would have approached me with one ounce of manners or an appeal to my kindness, i would 100% have given her the computer. it (the computer) was slow to the point of being annoying and i was about ready to give up anyway; not to mention i was doing something non-essential. but once she threw down the gauntlet i was pretty much required by the see-you-and-raise-you-one-bitch-manifesto to hold my ground. so i did. booyah.

3. first paycheck didn't show hourly breakdown, and naturally I wanted to confirm my hours worked vs paid. so i sent an email requesting to see a paystub.   they sent me a link to register on some website (adp?) to register for online stubs (is that a thing?);but the link was not valid. and since this was like the 8th version of something like this happening and their responding very cavalierly or with a solution that wasn't valid, I sort of saw red.  So I sent a tersely worded email saying i was "frustrated" and that I  requested "immediate" resolution; that I did not think it was "appropriate" to have to "chase" down issues like this on the clock next week when I should be trying to "meet or exceed our client's production goals."  (a couple hours later my new boss came and helped me figure out how my paycheck worked.)

4. a coworker who i have generally enjoyed REACHED into my open purse, grabbed the snack i had just bought at the vending machine and said (loudly), "Ooooh, you got donuts."  is this real life? did this stranger just reach INTO my purse AND make a comment about the contents therein?  i. can. not.

5. the one freaking day I decide NOT to walk back to the hotel during my lunch break, and to stay and eat with my coworkers, FeistySue proceeded to eat soup by placing her lips about 2 inches from the cup and then sucking the soup into her mouth through sheer force of will and the power of slurping. It took the last of my reserves not to say something to her.

  this helped. 

                                        wed night cocktail @ olive garden with the ladies .

Saturday Weekend 2

Saturday : not too exciting. 

I woke up earlyish, stayed in bed a while and luxuriated in my chorelessness:  played Words With Friends with Jeff,  and read a bit. I do NOT want to audit my Kindle bill for this trip.

My first big excursion on the day that I should have been in NYC watching a Broadway show was a trip to Kmart for cold drinks and office supplies needed to make my uw manual user-friendly.

Around mid-day, the girls and I touched base via text .FeistySue was feeling homebodyish but TexasRose and I agreed to meet for lunch. I drove. She was wearing a short, bright orange, spaghetti strap shorts/jumper with high wedge sandals. Full Hair. Perfect makeup. I was wearing exercise clothes-capri leggings and a long tee with tennis shoes .We had an awful lunch, but nice conversation, at a local taco place. TexasRose traveled with a coffee cup filled with unidentifiable drink, which I'm fairly certain was a daytime cocktail. A few hours after lunch, I bumped into her in the laundry room and she was wearing Barbie-Casual-- an oversize crop top with matching bandeau; and shorts. I was still wearing same exercise clothes.

At 6:30, we all headed to a casino the girls had researched. I asked for a group picture so that we could show our friends and family. You're welcome. Please note: TexasRose is rocking her third outfit of the day, a very flattering and stylish, black jumpsuit with heels.

My very favorite part of the casino date happened during the first 5 minutes. I asked the security guard where to go to get started, for players cards etc. He said, "First, I'm going to need to see some I.D."  I turn 38 in a week so I said, "Bless you for asking," and presented my i.d. He looked at it at length and finally said, "Damn, you've got good genes." Meanwhile TexasRose & FeistySue finish taking selfies and come over to where guard is still  looking carefully at my license. TexasRose, says, "Oh we need to show id?" And the guard said, "No, just her. You're good." 

TexasRose, said, "Well DURN, I don't know how I feel about that!" We all laughed. The security guard shrugged and we made our way over to the check-in counter and registered for our unfortunately-named players' cards . 

Casino Player's Card. I swear! 

TexasRose immediately grabbed a Crown&Coke from the first bar we found, and then the three of us found a slot machine in our 1-cent price range. We all spent a few dollars, and then TexasRose announced that she was going to go smoke/use restroom/ask someone directions. I don't really remember exactly what she said but the rest of the night she was gone. A transcript of our texts would basically read like 2 parents trying to find their kid who is lost in an amusement park. "We're by the blah blah blah under a sign that says blah blah blah." She would send back a text indicating that she'd meet us at say, the stage where the musicians are, and when we got there there'd be more vague texting and no TexasRose. 

After I cashed out my 95-cents winnings (TexasRose said she was down $65ish and I think FeistySue lost about $20), we headed to the Carrabba's across the street. *The next day TexasRose joked to someone else that she wouldn't have lost so much money but they kept bringing her free drinks as long as she was playing; so clearly she found a fun table. All's well that ends well. 

We enjoyed nice dinner conversation and lots of laughing. Finally we headed back to the hotel and called it a night. 

Kmart and a casino run are hardly NY and a Broadway matinee, but overall the day was pleasant.

Only six more Sleeps until I see my one true love. 

Friday: Day 10. Throwing Money At Disappointment with Happy Results

Friday, May 15, I woke up feeling cheerful and silly following the previous night's meltdown.

I vowed to get a rental car and make the most of my weekend. After all, if it weren't for the fact that I was homesick for my boys and disappointed over the would-be NY trip, I would otherwise be thrilled to spend a weekend with a per diem, a loaded kindle and no chores or schedule.

At work I was pleased to learn that TexasRose and FeistySue were also staying in town for the weekend, and that they intended to be social.

Immediately after work I went to Enterprise and got my car. Driving out of the lot, I felt immeasurably better. A small part of my meltdown had been because I dreaded feeling trapped, not only in town, but in the hotel room. For $10 a day  I fixed that. If only I could throw a Hamilton at the rest of my problems. Hmm, $10 a day to cure anxiety or keep me at a healthy weight? Sold! Alas, Enterprise was not so forward thinking. I left with only a car.

Weekend car rental and gas =$60.

I met TexasRose and FeistySue back at the hotel and we headed out in Ginger's rental to a local mall for our first girls' outing. FeistySue and I were wearing what we wore to work for casual Friday.  I rocked a pair of jeans and brown v-neck tee with brown/turquoise slip-on Crocs. FeistySue was equally casual in a polo with leggings. But my girl TexasRose had taken the time to change into a pair of short shorts and a FlashDance-style tunic designed to fall fetchingly off one shoulder as she moved or gestured. The tunic required a strapless bra.

I'm impressed my Crocs matched my tee; and this woman is wearing a tunic that required a strapless bra. Our first stop was a nail salon. We got pedicures. I added a gel French manicure -the very height of sophistication from my 1990s youth-  to complete the splurge.

Pedicure and Gel Manicure plus tip=$62. 

Pre-mall stop @ Kmart to buy flip flops for pedicure=$8. 

For dinner we went to the cheesecake factory, where TexasRose immediately ordered a bloody mary: "Y'all can hold the celery or any other vegetable y'all might wanna throw in there." When the waitress left, TR said to us, "Y'all need to know something about me right from the start. I don't eat vegetables. None."

Despite that opener, we managed to have non-superficial conversation. TexasRose confided that she started drinking "spirits" more regularly after her husband died in February of problems related to his kidney transplant. FeistySue and I discovered we were both married to Puerto Ricans; and compared stories about joining our Spanish families. We talked about parenting. All of us are moms and TexasRose is a grandmother of 6! We shared our work histories leading up to meeting each other; and we promised to network and pass on leads for future jobs.

Two appetizers and a dessert plus tip  from Cheesecake Factor: $45ish. 

After dinner, we shopped a bit. FeistySue and I popped into Bath & BodyWorks. I went in to buy a trial-size hand lotion and ended up buying two 16-oz lemon scented lotions (a $20 purchase practically guaranteed to explode in my luggage and destroy my entire business casual wardrobe).

Body Lotion: $20. 

Meanwhile, TexasRose kept disappearing.  She'd say she was going somewhere, say outside to smoke, but we'd run into her somewhere else and she hadn't been to smoke yet. Or she'd say she was going to a certain store but wouldn't be there. It was odd. Like she was being mysterious but for no apparent reason. The entire evening was voluntary. No need to give us the run around. Eventually we all found each other and headed back to the hotel.

FeistySue and I left again at 10 p.m. to go see PitchPerfect2. On our way out we see TexasRose getting into a car with some random dude. Again with the mysteriousness. Later, we expressed our relief that she hadn't been murdered and she just laughed and said they had gone on an alcohol run together.

FeistySue and I enjoyed our movie date. I can honestly say I enjoyed her company; and not just because it was better than being alone for the weekend. We laughed at the same stuff and were comfortable around each other.

Movie ticket plus bottle of water from concessions: $20

We made it back safely to the hotel after the movie and confirmed our plans to meet up with TexasRose the next day.

Grand Total of the Cancelled-Trip-Consolation-Spending-Spree=$215 (ish)

Enjoying a Carefree Evening and Not Feeling Sorry For Myself=Priceless

How Miss Magnolia Does Casual Friday: Brown Tee and BrownCrocs

Best $10 I spent all weekend

TexasRose and FeistySue on our way to nail salon

1990 called. It wants its manicure back. 

Pitch-er Perfect with FeistySue

Happy Selfie sent to Jeff @ bedtime. 

ThursdayDay9. Alternate Title: Hali is a Horrible, Horrible (Horrible!) Person. Alternate alternate title: Hali has a very active imagination and may be what some would call a "crazy person."

There is no way to explain the tears and snot in this picture without sounding like a truly despicable person. And also revealing that I am somewhat insane, at least some of the time. I can only beg you, my 9 readers, to remember that you love me and that I have redeeming qualities. But, as you read my tale of woe you may forget that for a while and judge me harshly. I deserve it.  

First, you must understand that I had moderately stressful travel, including a plane change due to maintenance issues, during my first weekend home. So, the second week I  opted NOT to accept a plane ticket home. Instead, this country mouse was going to head to the city. New York City (said in the voice of the actor from the Pace Picante commercial from 1994). The plan: take an Amtrak train to New York, cab it to Times Square, get tickets for a Broadway matinee, have early dinner somewhere non-touristy,  and then take Amtrak back to the hotel. 

But, on Tuesday, May 12, one of Amtrak's northeast regional trains derailed outside of Philadelphia, killing 8 and injuring 200. To be clear, I was not aware of this the night it happened because I am not watching the local news, some nights I don't even turn on the tv in my room; but as the week progressed and it made national headlines, I finally realized what had happened. 

As a human being, I felt awful about the tragedy. I wondered what the hell happened with the engineer (video analysis by CNN & NY Times indicated that when rounding the fatal curve, the train sped up significantly instead of slowing down). But I didn't immediately realize that it would affect me personally.* 

Cut to later in the week when I discovered, via a coworker who had already purchased an Amtrak ticket for the weekend, and was therefore following the news more closely than I was, that the train., my train, was not going to be up and running for the New York route by Saturday. 

Perhaps you've already done the math that the tear and snot picture is related to my aborted weekend plans. To fully explain --although not justify -- myself,  I must pause here to make a note about my husband.  My sweet, loving, amazing husband. 

My husband is so in love with "surprises" that he has almost lost the ability to surprise me because he's so darn consistent with his "surprises."  He buys me thoughtful gifts every birthday, Christmas, mother's day, anniversary, and for all other Hallmark Holidays. I may not know what the gift is but I can 100% count on the fact that he has bought me something thoughtful. This is a man who, if he has a day off work and I don't, will "surprise" me with  a romantic lunch at my (prior) office. If I mention in passing that I want something, say a miracle callous grinder, as seen on tv, I will get a "surprise" delivery from Amazon  48 hours later .Or, for instance, I really really loved my New Year's eve dress and raved about how well it fit and how comfortable it was for dancing and how pretty  I felt wearing it.  My darling husband surprised me by buying me two more versions of that dress (different prints and slightly different cuts but same basic pattern) even though there were no immediate events requiring new dresses.

So in the wake of the Amtrak news, I began to comfort myself about my ruined weekend plans by  imagining that Jeff was going to "surprise" me by flying up to see me And he and I would either go to Philadelphia or figure out an alternate route to NY. Ie, take Septa, the local public transportation. Not as fast as Amtrak; but hey, no problem, because I'll have my  husband with me to keep me company. We'll be on a grand adventure. Together.

We had  actually discussed his coming up but had agreed it was not practical, especially since we have tickets already purchased for a Broadway musical next month for my birthday. Trying to be reasonable, I said,  "oh don't worry about it. I understand we've spent a lot of money lately; plus it makes for a long trip for you, etc etc."

Later in the week, after we'd already had the initial discussion, he made a point of saying, "Well I definitely can't come up this weekend because I have an MRI appointment Saturday morning." I am embarrassed to report that I thought  he was lying about the MRI in order to surprise me. What MRI place is open on a Saturday?  I thought to myself, "This  poor sweet man is just laying it on thick so I'll be surprised."  I actually made a note to self  to never tell him how see-through his  "Saturday MRI" "lie" had been because I didn't want to ruin his fun. 

Cut to Thursday.  All day I felt  really homesick. Like a little kid who wants to be picked up early from her first sleep-over.  I felt really emotional. I felt really resentful that I had given up my  flight home and that my consolation trip to NY was no longer easily attainable. And I started having my first inkling of doubt that perhaps Jeff was NOT coming to surprise me. And wouldn't that be awful. 

I would be all alone in the suburbs of Pennsylvania, with no car, no convenient way to NY, no husband, no son. No nothing. 

That night on the phone, Jeff  kept trying to encourage me by pointing out the silver linings-that I could still go find adventure; that at least I wasn't dealing with non-direct flights. That I'd be better rested for Monday than I had been the week before. Etcetera. 

And it was while he was talking that I realized that he would not keep a white lie going in light of my teariness, because it would be cruel not to comfort me with the announcement that he was coming,  if he was in fact coming.  Which could only mean that he was not coming. Gulp.

I sort of whimper, "Does this mean you're not flying up to surprise me this weekend?" 

Awkward silence. 

You could actually hear his brain clicking, trying at warp speed to come up with the exact words to tell his insane wife, who had NO real reason to expect his arrival, including his verbal announcement that he was not coming, that he was not coming. 

He finally opted to just rip the bandaid off and said, "Oh sweetie; I'm sorry you thought that. I'm not coming. Baby, you know I have the MRI Saturday."By now I'm crying noisily into the phone. And he kept saying, "i'm sorry you did this to yourself." I think he was saying that to remind us both that he's not an awful person and hadn't done a thing to earn those tears. But as a bona fide crazy person, THAT actually made me mad. because it felt like he was blaming me(!) for assuming he was coming when he was the one who's been "surprising" my a** nonstop for 8+ years. clearly it is his fault that i expected a "surprise" visit. How dare he surprise me for years with surprises I don't even need and NOW WHEN IM HOMESICK AND  I NEED TO BE RESCUED he doesn't even bother to surprise me. Just because it would cost more than $500 and he had outright SAID he wasn't coming, and I HAD ASSURED HIM THAT I TOTALLY UNDERSTOOD AND HE SHOULD 100% BE PRACTICAL AND NOT COME UP, is no excuse!

i didnt say all that out loud but those were my crazy thoughts,  tumbling about my head like socks in a dryer. basically I just sobbed and hiccuped. meanwhile my poor husband is trying to calm me down. I finally say, somewhat hatefully, because i'm experiencing irrational anger that he's done this to me, that I need to hang up and have some time to process my feelings .

So I hung up. I immediately sent him a text saying that I realized I was being irrational and that I loved him but that I just needed to take a sleeping pill and go to bed.

Which is what I did. 

But not before taking a picture of myself  to commemorate my insanity because even in the throes of my nuttiness, I was aware that I was being a crazy person, and that I would probably laugh about it later. 

Epilogue. 

Alternate Title: "Surprise!"

The next morning,  I realized that according to my birth control pill pack, i was Totally 100% 

pre-menstrual. And not even 24 hours later the proof arrived.

Historically I have about 6-20 hours of emotional instability about 24-48 hours prior to my cycle starting. Usually the realization that I'm having completely irrational/insane feelings that are not appropriate to the situation at hand is enough to remind me where I am on the calendar, which in turn helps me to regulate whatever emotional turmoil i'm experiencing because I know that it's basically an alternate reality. 

Sadly for Jeff and me, May's calendar epiphany didn't happen in time to prevent or even minimize the most insane episode I've treated us to so far in 2015. 

*I 100% acknowledge that my "pain" is inconsequential compared to that of the real victims and their families. I'm sharing this story to make fun of myself; with no intention of minimizing their loss. 

Day 8 of Training

Today one of the ladies came in 30 minutes late; which is kind of a thing bc the trainers start class the minute the clock strikes  8 a.m. ; and they don't let us out early by even a minute.

LateLady came in quietly, said to the trainer, "i'm sorry I'm late," and sat down quickly.

FeistySue, who just cannot help herself, asks in a super loud stage whisper, "WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU?" LateGirl shot her a glance and whispered "I forgot to set the alarm." (If that was the best I could come up with, I would've just ignored her; and pretended that I'd been handling important matters.)

Today was a good day:

1. We got our first live cases assigned to us; and I totally rocked mine. I didn't have any real issues; my notes made sense; and I handled some procedural stuff with no problems. Booyah.

2. The Italian restaurant I've been ordering my meals from sent two extra meatballs with tonight's order.

3. Weekly maid service was today.  And they washed my lunch dishes which I had soaking.

4. A movie I had wanted to see but didn't see in theaters (This is Where I
Leave You) is playing on HBO. And I caught it at the beginning. Score!

5. The age-inappropriate zit that exploded on my face has halved in size.

   oversleeping =no shaving legs=repeating this awesome outfit instead of wearing cute skirt i packed. .

                                                               aw. my very first case.

                                                              today was a good day.

Tuesday. Training Day 7. Day in the Life Special Report. And Misc re Logistics.

This is my daily schedule. A real behind-the-scenes look at all the super fascinating details.

6:45 alarm rings. begin the 15 minutes of snoozing necessary to convince self to get out of bed. take phone out of airplane mood and respond to husband's sweet good morning text.

7  a.m. reluctantly get out of bed and take my rx. (this is full access, E-Entertainment style reporting. only the best for my 7 readers!)

7:05-7:45 a.m. morning routine and out the door.

walk to training class across the street. allow myself the happy daydream that im now about 13days away from working in my home office with my favorite underwriter ever.

8 a.m. -10ish first segment of training combined with coworker observing. and judging. today we're following along as trainer3 goes over preferred uw guidelines; and the process for reviewing e-apps. i am DYING because trainer3 is eating candy or cough drops or something while she's talking. which is my nightmare. "pet peeve" does not adequately explain the literal rage I feel when people smack/slurp/make mouth or food noises (or chew gum loudly).  like my stomach hurts and my fists clench. so i'm having to do yoga breaths to ignore the slurping and sucking so that i can concentrate on what she's teaching.

10ish 15 min break. text husband to bitch about the trainer's candy sucking. because that is why spouses exist -to know your quirks and triggers and to sympathize with your pain whilst simultaneously being secretly thrilled that you're directing your insanity towards someone else other than them.

head to break room where i eat my breakfast: a cheese stick and 2 no-sugar-added apple sauces. watch enviously as all other coworkers head to fridge and/or vending machine and proceed to get all manners of full-sugar drinks, candy bars, potato chips and/or sandwiches and bagels etc brought from their room or the cafe next store. try very hard to be happy for them as they file past me eating their junk food.

10:15ish to noon. 2nd segment of training.

noon-1 p.m. walk back to hotel for lunch. immediately change into a night gown to avoid wrinkling or getting food stains on my work clothes. my food routine is that every few nights  i order multiple entrees from a local restaurant that delivers. that way i have several entrees in my fridge (full kitchenette in room) so that im not wasting my precious break/lunch time waiting in food lines. i go to walmart on monday nights and buy miscellaneous food to supplement the meals i order in. i have water, diet sodas,  cheese sticks, apple sauce, pickles, almonds and shredded cheese & eggs.

12;50 get dressed and walk back to work

*Shortly after lunch, TexasRose arrived in a cloud of hairspray and cigarette smoke. She was rocking Texas-big-hair and full-on makeup; and dressed in a plaid-mid-thigh tank dress with strappy, open-toed denim-blue high heels. Sort of Daisy Dukes gets an office job. It was so her. She's attractive in the way of a woman who was probably strikingly pretty in the 1980s but who has smoked and tanned every day since then. She was loud and boisterous and interrupty. Other than that, we were still pretty subdued today.

1-3 p.m. segment 3 of training. more case practice. more processes & procedures review. more preferred guidelines.

3p.m.  15 min break.

3:15 -5 p.m. finish the day doing practice tasks on the system. and going through cases with the trainer. tomorrow we get our own live cases to start working so we're all pretty excited about and terrified of that.

immediately after work i exercise. today i went for a 42-minute jog-walk with NotLuLu through a really pretty trail we found.

dinner in my room after. (tonight was grilled chicken salad delivered last night; with zesty italian dressing from walmart). catch up with jeff by phone. find out how my kid is doing.

the rest of the night: tv, phone and internet.

11ish take a sleeping pill to ensure a full night's sleep.talk to jeff as i'm falling asleep.

6:45 a.m. start the cycle again.

**miscellaneous logistical details.
I have an airport allowance ($500) for the whole 3 weeks; which can cover a rental car (no thanks; there's nothing to do in this town; and i have free (plus tip) airport shuttle for the weekly walmart run; and I walk to and from work. or it can be used for car service or taxis to and from the airport.

there is also a daily transportation allowance (like $30ish) to cover taxis etc. Not yet needed. but nice to have if you want to go to a restaurant or something.

the hotel is candlewood suites. there's weekly housekeeping, not daily, so that kind of removes one of the best perks of hotel stays. but since i'm by myself the room stays clean. hmmm.

there's a small but adequate gym, free DIY washers/dryers, a mini store with honor-system self serve that  you can pay cash for or charge to room.

for food, you can submit receipts for up to $45 per day; or choose to get the 45 as daily flat rate with income tax taken out. i selected this option bc it seemed easier (think of having to buy all your cold drinks and 3 meals plus snacks a day  x 3 weeks and then having to keep up with and then upload/report all those receipts). last night i ordered 2 side orders meatballs and 2 salads w/ protein. total was 30ish plus tip.  ate salads for last night's and tonight's dinner. for lunch today  ate 1 order meatballs; will have the other order of meatballs for tomorrow's lunch. breakfasts are my cheese/applesauce from wmart. afternoon snacks are nuts/protein bars etc from wmart.

the math: the monday night wmart run for  $40ish covers breakfasts and snacks and cold drinks (and laundry detergent) for the whole week. and the $30ish restaurant order monday night lasted four meals (2 dinners and 2 lunches) over 2 days. so that's $15ish per day from restaurant. and approx $5ish a day from wmart. so im averaging $20 a day in food/drinks but don't have to submit all the receipts and will get prob $30ish a day after taxes to cover that. i figure the extra will cover my airport reading habit. i need at least three overpriced magazines per flight. and at least 2 books loaded on my kindle.

you have option to be flown back and forth each weekend or not travelling home and having hotel paid for (of course). i flew home last weekend. will stay in town this weekend and go to NYC for a broadway run. sadly, i can't figure out how to expense the play!

today i rocked a lovely black & white ensemble with my fake pearls. 

except during my lunch hour when I rocked my cotton nightgown as a bib stand in. i like how my black socks really set off the sequined nightgown (which , ironically, says "glamorous") 

Monday May 11. Training Day 6

Well I hope no one got attached to PopPops...

Let me back up.

On Friday, NorthDakota, a nice, quiet lady who had not really said too much, was absent. I just assumed she was taking a day off due to the chronic pain issue that she had complained of.

Nope.

During our shuttle ride from airport to hotel last night, FeistySue told me that on Friday NorthDakota had told her that her employer (EMSI) had called to say that they were firing her (NorthDakota) because she wasn't catching on to the system fast enough. We both expressed surprise that the firing had been so quick. I mean, shit. four days and you're out?  remind me not to ask any questions this week. amiright?

Funnily enough, when FeistySue was giving me the news, the very first thought i had was to wonder how PopPops had dodged the axe's blow. because i hadn't even known NorthDakota was struggling and she got cut.  But PopPops had been there on Friday so  I just figured  they were keeping him for his 20+years' uw experience despite his systems issues. And I'm thinking to myself, "I really hope the man wrote down his logon information on Friday."

my optimism was short-lived. when class started this morning, Trainer2, who is head trainer now that systems lady left, walked in and said, "a couple people are not with us but we have a new person joining us." and then she introduced Trainer3, who will help her do the actual uw training for the remaining 2 weeks. and that was that. just as cool as you please.

(we are not privy to PopPop's version of events so I guess it's possible that he quit. but given how he struggled last week, and Trainer2's clear disapproval of his slowness/inability to navigate systems, my money's on a firing.)

so today on day 1 of our "real" underwriting training, we were all too scared to ask any questions. that, combined with TexasRose's absence due to a flight cancellation, made us a noticeably quieter class.  we're like yes, miss hannigan. we totally get it, miss hannigan.  totally understand saving age-nearest after not having done it for 8 years, miss hannigan. 100% can update an illustration and update it in 3 places on 3 systems with no problems, miss hannigan.  we understand every single word, miss hannigan.

Trainer2 is probably quite pleased with herself, thinking about how much better we're doing now that she's in charge. Ha!

rocking version 3 of this outfit (following navy w/ purple and peach on peach). teal for the win! *in possibly related news, NorthDakota wore tennis shoes on day 1 and got progressively more casual from there. .. 

Wednesday Day 3 of training

Today I wore a sassy black & white number with little patent red flats. so obviously i was best dressed. probably makes up for fact that I dont remember MIB coding. right? right?

Today we logged into a training environment and did some actual (fake) tasks like ordering requirements. So it was nice. I'm over my nerves; def think I'll rock this. And now that the panic and self doubt are over, I can look forward to working from home with my favorite cubicle mate ever.

Today, PopPops could not log on in the morning; and it took several people suggesting password options for him to start his day. The day continued with him needing constant supervision to navigate the system. And Trainer2-she of the stiff upper lip and not one smile cracked to date-had to stand over him and help him find and push all the buttons. I have a feeling when she takes over next week that she's going to be noticeably less kind to him. She's already asking pointed questions like "well did you read the directions?" and "did you write your password down?"  i think she's only holding it together as good as she is because of trainer1's presence. next monday should be interesting.

Today, TexasRose had 3 specific times that I can think of where she asked a loud and unnecessary question and then while the teacher was addressing her question, she got up and wandered out of the room. Like literally walked out while the answer was being given. The last couple times Trainer1 kind of looked after her; but I have to credit her professionalism, she didn't miss a beat or even change her expression. Just kept talking as if she hadn't been Bye-Felicia'd.

Today, TexasRose also announced that since we were all falling asleep (um, you know the trainer can hear you, right?) maybe they should bring in one of "them inflateable beach balls and we can all bat it around to stay awake?" in a shocking turn, Trainer1 neither smiled nor agreed that that sounded fun.
Around 1 pm, TexasRose did her obligatory post-lunch announcement of how hot the room was; and then proceeded to wander around a bit lookin' for the cool spots. i. can. not. i just can't.

Today, FeistySue made another joke about TexasRose's aborted liquor run in front of the whole class including the trainers who represent our new employers. That's, ok, TexasRose told the class, because she found somewhere to go drink for Cinco de Mayo. So there.  Later in the day, she laughed really loudly out of the blue and informed Trainer2 (the particularly stern one who hasn't smiled yet) that she can't hardly concentrate because she(Trainer2)  looks so much like Taylor Swift. (she does NOT). Trainer2 kind of awkwardly laughed and said, "Um, I'll take that." i was dying.

And finally, today, I called one of the employee's from my job who was helping me behind the scenes with payroll-related issues the wrong name all day. not his name slightly pronounced wrong, but the name of someone else in his department who we met on day 1. I figured this out when I went to ask for him by name and after some confusion (bc the guy i was naming works in another part of the bldg) we all realized i meant MxxxxL, not HxxxxH. ha ha ha. not awkward at all... fabulous first impressions.

Meet The Cast : days 1 & 2

day 1.  i walk in , rocking my sexy pale peach cardigan, my navy loafers and my faux-pearl necklace. found the training room and took  a seat. which was when i had my first sightings of the other captives. there are 9 of us total, 7 women and 2 men. there are several nice, quiet people who i will never talk about because they have normal social skills and appropriate work-place manners.

allow me to introduce the others.

first, my training bestie (i intended to stick to myself and not talk to anyone and be all competitive and shi*; that's still the plan; but i can't help myself, i made a friend on day 1). she is a tall, slender, impeccably dressed, elegant canadian with a british accent. she turned out to be witty and fun. she's no laura, but she will be nice to have as a pal for my 3 weeks in captivity. we will call her NotLuLu.

then there was the older gentleman, whom we will call PopPops. I "met" him the week before on the call-in Human Resources FAQ call. He called in 7 minutes late, and then proceeded to interrupt the HR rep every few minutes, asking questions that were answered before he got on the call; and then asking kinda nuts questions like, "oh, the company will be providing our computers?" um, yes. that's how that works.

in person, he was a bit more calm and less verbose, thank god. but he lived up to the older-student/employee cliche by being completely, no exaggerating, i mean completely unable to accomplish the most basic computer skills. he cannot log on in the morning, much less jump back and forth between  multiple systems using 2 sets of user ids and multiple passwords. despite several very impassioned pleas from the I.T. guy  that we log our passwords carefully on the very helpful cheat sheet that he provided, PopPops has required multiple password resets both days of training due to forgetting his passwords. and he's not home free once you get him logged on. when we're supposed to be training on a system at the same time as trainer, he is unable to play along. he cannot find the icons or links to click on, despite the trainer giving oral commands AND demonstrating the action on the large screen hanging in front of the room. yesterday PopPops was stymied by expanding and closing folders in Outlook (ie click on the plus sign to see what's in the folder). inevitably, the 2nd trainer, a very brusque but stylish Canadian lady with several mysterious tattoos and a decidedly-not-warm-and-fuzzy approach to training, has to go over and basically walk him through whatever the rest of us accomplished 5 minutes prior. he sits across from me; so i hear him asking the stern 2nd trainer things that trainer1 has literally just explained to us. i don't know if he's not paying attention of if he is physically unable to hear because he's oldish. either way, i think trainer2 is going to snap at him before it's all over.

sitting in front of PopPops is a little firecracker we'll call FeistySue. She is a petite, pretty Filopino who has no internal censor and only one volume setting =loud. she is prone to making abrasive announcements unlike any you or I would ever say to an employer ever; much less on day 1 of employment. highlights have included: "are you going to mail this (gigantic/immense) manual to me bc i'm NOT taking that home in my luggage!" -this gem was said 2 dif times  within 2 hours of arriving; once to the HR people, and once to the trainers representing the employing company; and "im glad this is only a contract because I don't like life underwriting. nooo thank you!"; or, not even 3 hours in on day 1, "when can we talk to (HR guy) about flight arrangements for this weekend?" that one was followed up by a demand, made loudly in front of all of us, to the HR guy that her flight home BETTER be non-stop because you would NOT believe how difficult her connecting flight was. This morning she announced- loudly per usual- in front of the trainers that our other coworker was bummed because there was no place to buy liquor last night.  we can debate the wisdom of the other coworker letting us know she was dying to find a "spirits" store, but bottom line, there was zero reason to expect that another  coworker would decide to announce that in front of our new employers. So that was a real douche move; i don't think there was any malice or sabotage intended. she just has zero censor; and zero consideration of our status as new employees who ought to be trying to make a good impression.

The woman pining for liquor, we'll call her TexasRose, is also dying to have a cigarette. she is the only smoker in the group, something i wouldn't have figured out except that she announced quite loudly on day 1 that she must be the only smoker in the group. (yep.) she is  from Texas, and she is exactly who a sitcom writer would invent if they needed the main character to have a loveable but trashy next door neighbor. TexasRose has bleached blonde hair styled in the very latest 80s fashion; and she is aggressively tanned. as in it's hard to see her facial features. she told me that she sure does hope we have flex time bc she has a pool and she likes to work from 5 a.m. to 2 p.m. so she can get to her pool. hope that works out for ya, doll. she, like FeistySue, is quick to share her thoughts with the class. And like FeistySue, her volume is set to High. She will announce at top volume that it sure is getting hot in here. "are y'all hot?" and then she'll get up and wander around the room (i swear to god) saying "im just tryin' to find me a cold spot." and then she'll go outside for the 8th time of the day bc she's getting "claustrophobic bc (she's) hot." but it's painfully clear she's just taking a smoking break. all of  this is happening while the teacher is trying to talk or teach.  it's really crazy to see. i keep waiting for the trainer to say something but she doesn't. TexasRose has a very frenetic energy; she's very fidgety; and when she's not leaving for a smoke break or or wandering around the room huntin' the cold spot, she is eating. she's a normal weight but eating like a fat man. multiple sodas, bags of chips and chocolate bars are going down her gullet at a near-constant pace. i would be amused by all her shenanigans except for her real fatal flaw, which is that she's asking questions just to entertain herself (i think). we're supposed to be doing very overview type stuff-just general stuff like the life of an application and systems overview; but she interrupts constantly to ask really really specific questions which they have 100% indicated that they're going to cover the last two weeks. i blame the trainers for not telling her to shut it.

rocking my sweater set and fake pearls on monday. day 1.

in pjs and recliner, exhausted, by 8 p.m.  on Monday.

day 2 -essentially an exact repeat of day 1's outfit but in blue 

and finally -back to my room. able to rest my brain after a full day's training. 

Sunday

I got to the airport a bit later than planned- I forgot to account for getting a plane ticket and checking bags (things we normally handle electronically and skip, respectively); so I was sweating the security line due to the clock ticking. I was glad my large, ethnically ambiguous husband was not there as he always gets a "random" pat down and this would have slowed me even more.

Made it through security with no problem.

Boarded plane and got to my row. Made the nice gentleman in the outside seat who was already seated and buckled in-seriously why would you buckle in while we're still loading -unbuckle and move for me to get to my window seat. then i smiled politely as the guy in the middle seat arrived and buckled in. only to have first guy, the premature buckler, say, "hey are you supposed to be in 26A?" um, no as a matter of fact, i'm supposed to be across the aisle  @ f26. so up i stood. both seat mates had to unbuckle and let me out. i cross the aisle only to see a couple with what what turns out to be a three-month-old on her first flight already settled in. mom was just about to put the kid on the teat only to have me ask politely could they let me be seated. so, as the line piles up behind us,  they shuffle around the diaper bag etc , put the boob away; and both got up and out and let me slide in. everyone settles back in. and i finally exhale. short of the plane crashing -which is beyond my control-- im safely on my way to good old horsham, PA.

the baby was a trooper. no crying she made. breast fed multiple times. and slept soundly in between. but more importantly her parents were not annoying. no gum chewing or beverage slurping to be had. if you know me at all, you know i'd rather have 2 crying babies on my own row than to hear someone slurp or chew 3 rows back.

we landed a bit early; i navigated the philadelphia airport with no problems. got my bag. called the pre-arranged shuttle service and was on my way.

i made it safely to my hotel (i've already taken my z-quil so i don't have time to tell you about my shuttle driver, a dj jazzy jeff look-alike, who is either a complete pothead, or the dumbest person on earth, or both-but no thanks to him, i did in fact make it safely to my hotel.) toured the first floor, found the gym/laundryroom/convenience store and bought myself 3 diet caffeine free cokes (seriously i should just drink water at this point); and then ordered dinner for three (2 grilled chicken caesar salads with an order of meatballs) so that i'd have food in room already tomorrow.

the hotel is a candlewood suites. nothing to brag about ;but it's clean and the a.c. is freezing cold. so i'm happy. except that im on the ground floor and the freaking window that a murderer could climb in without even bending over and messing his hair was UNLOCKED. hello, i've seen this movie and it does not end well for the blonde. so i locked that and then ocd checked it like 4 times.

oh, and while feeling around for the lamp switch -blindly by reaching up under the shade--apparently i grabbed the light bulb itself in my incredible hulk fist and crushed the whole light bulb.   i thought i was turning a switch but apparently i was actually squeezing and twisting the bulb itself until it popped and shattered. so that happened.

i unpacked. painstakingly laid out all my outfits and jewelry etc. so that i would feel like i was in control of SOMETHING this week. set out my gym clothes so they'd be staring me down when I got home tomorrow night.

watched game of thrones simultaneously with jeff- texting him to question key plot points the whole way through bc  i seriously cannot keep up with peoples' motives on that show. why are we killing that man? wait aren't those two people having sex related? a girl gets confused (that's a man-with-no-face reference if you're a GOT fan. nailed it!)

and now im off to bed, drugged on zquil so i wont have a thousand anxiety dreams.

ive set 2 phone alarms and begged my husband to get up at crack of dawn and serve as my backup backup alarm.

wish me luck. i need tomorrow to go smoothly and make me excited for my future with this company so i don't have a total meltdown that i quit a great job for no reason.